Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Thursday, 4 April 2013

The Israeli

The Israeli is a curious creature. Despite the Israeli being made up of one part of nearly every country in the world, and only a minority of Israelis able to actually call themselves second generation Israeli, this creature has a unique behaviour, which rather than being a mix of all the components making it up, has its own special characteristics. Out in the wild, the following characteristics can be clearly seen, almost without exception:
  • Opinion is as good as fact. If an Israeli heard a piece of information from someone they know, this information becomes fact, even if it flies in the face of logic or truth. An example of how this is embedded in the culture: a private company produces a booklet with the values of all cars of all ages. This has become the reference book when buying and selling a car. The only important thing when setting the sale value of your car, is what the book says. Similarly, negotiations are all centred around the value in the book. Precise percentage discount values are specified for different situations - number of owners, type of previous owners, etc. However, try to argue about the price due to a factor that is not specified in the book and it is a lost cause. The book says so, therefore it is true.
  • Whatever your interaction with one of these specimens  they are doing you a favour, even if it handing over money in return for goods they are selling - by taking your money, they are doing you a favour.
  • Despite being a tipping culture, service oriented Israelis are few and far between, that you sometimes may be forgiven for thinking you are in Australia.
  • When something does not go the way an Israeli wants or expects, he finds it necessary to shout and swear at who/whatever is causing distress. Additionally, the Israeli will try and involve all bystanders within a 50 foot radius in the complaint by shouting a series of rhetorical questions at them, such as; "How can they give us this kind of service?", "I have been waiting here for 30 minutes, how is it acceptable that a bus isn't here?" or "I have never had to do this before, how can they say this? This isn't normal!"
  • After giving him the finger because he honked at you as a result of you obeying the road rules but him not liking it, he pulls up next to you to ask you "why?" He actually listens to your explanation, and then, with only a slight hint of ridicule, wishes you "a very happy holidays from the depth of his heart".
  • Whilst more than happy to fight for his country, in a war, where real deadly weapons are used, the Israeli is shit-scared that somehow if he lets you off the train before he pushes himself onto the train, the train might leave without him. Although this extends to all forms of public transport, it is most evident on the trains.
And like all Israeli documents, the following disclaimer applies: All references to males in this document apply equally to females. Similarly, all references in the singular apply equally in the plural.

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